So, you believe you have met the person of your dreams. Wonderful! The next thing you know, “Oh, this is not what I thought it was going to be at all”. Does that seem about right? Don’t worry, almost every other person feels the same way. There’s nothing wrong with dreaming or fantasizing about that perfect, special someone, but the reality is that our relationships turn out to be a lot of work. The idea that everything should be smooth sailing if we find the right person may be unrealistic and lead to an unnecessary sense of failure or hopelessness. How can we be ok with what we’ve got and find a sense of fulfillment and value in ourselves and our partner? Not to burst your bubble, but I think we have the wrong idea about the purpose of relationships and what they’re really all about. If we understand what our role is in our relationships, we will find a sense of ease, and put an end to that self-defeating tendency of looking for something better. You may be surprised how simple it really is! Let’s take a look.
A Twofold Purpose
The underlying purpose of every relationship is to learn about ourselves. There’s no great mystery here. Having said that, we also need to understand we have a set of fully developed skills and qualities we can bring into our relationships to not only provide value to them, but to also acknowledge ourselves as having inherent value. The other part of this purpose is to provide a space for the other person in our life to do the same. What we need to understand more than anything else, is that all aspects of our life are about education. If we can accept this, and include this idea and attitude in our relationships, we are able to let ourselves off the hook and do the best we can. There’s no right or wrong, it’s all about trying. To be successful in any relationship, we must let go of what we believe we need. Honestly, we don’t really know what we need anyway! To acknowledge this simple truth allows us to become educated within our relationships and find out what we truly need. If we just relax and let go of what we want, we will discover what we need and never be disappointed. This is fulfillment. This is loving purpose.
What to Accept and Not Accept
Every human being has flaws, this we know. Most of these imperfections are modest enough that we can let them go. We must if we ever hope to find out the true meaning and purpose of the relationship we find ourselves in. We can remind ourselves of the fact that the other person doesn’t like their flaws any more than we do. We also need to keep in mind that they have to become tolerant of ours! At some point, however, we want to move beyond just tolerance and see the opportunity to improve upon ourselves and help the other person do the same. If you are a person who believes you are perfect in some way, there may be no relationship that could have any value for you. If that’s the case, you can live on your own island, but you will be living there alone! Long story short, we need to accept what is to a certain extent if we want to be comfortable with our partner and our relationship with them. As challenging and frustrating as this can be, it is the only way. There are a couple of things we do not have to accept in all this. If our partner is unwilling or incapable of learning about themselves, we will ultimately become miserable, ineffective and empty. Although it is not our job to change someone, if their limitations are severe enough to adversely affect the quality of the relationship, it’s time to reexamine and possibly move along. Our relationships need to be sufficiently healthy for us to live a practical and productive life. The other red flag within all relationships is the dynamics of the power structure between the two involved. Although there will always be one person who is more dominant than the other, it has to be workable. One person is always going to have a little more power, it is true in every relationship, there’s no way around it. If the dominant one must have power and control in every instance, without question, then we have something that is unhealthy. In extreme cases, this behavior can evolve into forms of psychological, emotional or physical abuse. We would try to avoid this kind of dynamic if possible, for no human being can survive it long term. Our role in a relationship is not to be a way for another person to use us in order to avoid dealing with themselves. This must never be forgotten.
The Value of Long-Term Commitment
Almost all of us enter our relationships with unreasonable and unrealistic expectations. This is the number one cause of all breakups. I must say, it’s easy to give up and move on to the next person. If we keep doing that, however, we’ll never get to the heart of the matter, will we? We have a tendency to always seek something new and fresh, possibly something better. Honestly, all we’re really accomplishing with this behavior is avoiding ourselves. You see, our role within a relationship is to discover who we are, both good and bad. We’ll never get there without stability and consistency. This brings in the value of commitment as a long-term goal for us. When we stay with one person, and this includes fidelity, we give ourselves the opportunity to understand what our gifts are, and what our limitations are. The other person in our life can show us these things through love and interaction. Whether we want to admit it or not, our partner can see us, and this is a good thing because we often cannot see ourselves. To know that someone else can see us is a scary prospect, but it gives us a chance to develop that necessary trust we need to grow. This requires time to become fully established. The greatest challenge in our relationships is that we must ultimately confront ourselves if we are to be successful. So, when things get difficult, guess what? We’re almost there! Don’t give up, don’t leave. Stay with it, and you will discover who you are. You will be a better person, you will be more comfortable with yourself, and you will be free. This is what we all want. Again, there’s no right or wrong here. If things aren’t workable anymore, then it may be time to let go and move on. We just need to keep in mind that if we leave our relationship prematurely, meaning we are trying to avoid what we need to work on, the same dynamics will appear once again in the next relationship. In other words, when it’s time to get busy, it’s time! We will change and grow whether we want to or not. This is a guarantee!
Give What You’re Good at
Our ultimate role in any relationship is to give of ourselves from the heart. Remember, it’s about giving, not getting. We have in the back of our minds the desire to become a better person and give of this best self. We begin by giving what we already know how to do. Although we sometimes feel trapped in this part of our role, it will not be forever. To avoid those feelings of resentment, we need to understand that what we are able to give will indeed help our partner be who they are trying to be. Don’t go too far, however. Martyrdom is not what it’s cracked up to be! Be realistic. Ultimately, we don’t want to be someone’s mother, father, provider, or savior in the end. It is true that we balance one another out in most cases. Each person in the relationship brings what the other is lacking. We must keep in mind, though, that we are already complete inside ourselves, we just cannot see it yet. With this understanding, we can avoid an over reliance on our partner to give us what we believe we need. The reverse is also true. We do not want to do for our partner what they can do for themselves. It’s always about balance, always about honesty. Having said that, if you find yourself having to be someone’s mother, or teacher, or even someone’s everything, then give it all you’ve got! Don’t worry, it will wear itself out eventually. We have to give what we’re good at first to get things started. The better ways will follow when the time is right. We’ll get there!
A Companion on the Path
All too often, we fail to recognize the gifts our relationships offer us. If we allow ourselves to be spoiled and selfish forever, we will never find peace and fulfillment. You see, there are very few of us who can survive alone, no matter how strong and independent we believe ourselves to be. We have the opportunity to be grateful for what the other people in our life, especially our partners, bring to us. The fact that two people with such varied backgrounds and experience can come together and be willing to spend time with one another is truly a miracle. It’s the simple things. Humility brings love. Our journey through life can be lonely and painful at times. Then we remember, we can walk together.
All my love and support, be well