In our efforts to discover who we are and live a more productive life, we often fail to recognize that the way in which we seek our own fulfillment may be the very cause of our inability to succeed. We must first of all notice we have a natural desire or inclination to become better and to seek growth and change. We also fully realize this is challenging, for fear and self-doubt are part of the process. If we let the fear take hold and rule our experience, our efforts will cease. The desire to grow, however, remains and will simply find a different way of expression. Essentially, we will find an easier way to become that which we seek by living our lives through others. This is known as “vicarious living”, and it will unfortunately become our path of least resistance without adequate self-awareness. There are many ways we go about our lives in this way, but we must ultimately understand this is not ideal, for we cannot grow and become more without our own experience. In other words, the other people in our lives cannot provide the things we’re looking for. We need to acquire that which we want and need by ourselves alone. Now, we need to be honest and realistic and know that we all do this to a certain extent. The problem is that we are not consciously aware of doing so. The hard reality is that we are actually using the other people in our life to gain our own self-fulfillment and understanding. This is not how the creative process works. When we live through others, we make them responsible for our well-being, you see. It isn’t fair to them, and it isn’t fair to us. We know our intent is to do things the right way, so we can forget about self-judgement here, for it will not be helpful. Once again, we just need to remind ourselves of the need to reverse our orientation and do our own living. We can be motivated by understanding the undue pressure we place upon others if we don’t make this necessary adjustment. Let’s take a look.
Parents and Children
Being a parent is probably the most difficult job in the world. Although I have no children of my own, I have found myself being a parent to many people in my life. I believe we all have this skill, as we wish to apply our wisdom in any way we can in order to be helpful and supportive. What may be even more important is that I have been a child. We have all been a child, and in some ways, still are. It might be helpful for all of us to remember what that experience was like. I think the majority of us can recognize that our parents did the best they could with what they understood at the time. For those of you who are parents now, this realization is even more acute. The hardship encountered during childhood provides an interesting motivation for us when we become parents ourselves. We often have an opportunity to resolve the personal issues we currently have from the misunderstandings we acquired during those times, and we hope to heal from them as we proceed with the experience of being a parent ourselves. That old adage, “I want my children to have a better life and an easier time of things than I had” becomes our intent. This intent is basically well conceived, as we wish to improve the life conditions of our children and become more aware of what is possible for them. There is an unforeseen problem that results, however. Rather than improve our own life, and heal from our past thereby, we have a tendency to make this happen through our children. Whatever person we would like to be, whatever life we would like to have for ourselves, we try to create it in our children. What this creates in our children’s lives is an incredible and undue pressure that is undesirable, ineffective and ultimately harmful. We don’t want to do that to our kids, do we? I understand how difficult this issue is, and I understand we are doing the best we can, but there must be a better way. A simple understanding we hope to gain is that the healing of our childhood is our responsibility, not our children’s. It is not the responsibility of our parents either. It is ours. In the same respect, it is not our children’s responsibility to help us feel fulfilled and become that person we would like to be. The feeling of wholeness we hope to obtain for ourselves may be enjoyed as we observe the lives of our children, but it is only temporary. Every mother and father are confronted with this when their children mature and leave home. The original question still remains. “What is my purpose?”. “What am I to do now?”. The other big problem we create when living vicariously through our children, is that we do not allow them to find their own way. No matter how much we try to avoid it, we will inevitably place controls, conditions, and pressures upon them. Let them go. Let them become the best version of themselves. They will have their own unique experience, and most of the time, it will be very different from what we would like it to be. That’s ok. If our children fail, and they will, we cannot allow it to reflect poorly on our parenting ability. Their life is their own. We can guide, we can hold their hand, we can support. Our responsibility ends there. Return once again to yourself and continue to build your own life.
Our Partners
The mishap of vicarious living is equally prominent in the relationship we have with our significant other. We are unfortunately misguided by the belief that our partner will complete us or somehow make us whole. We must remember that the most important goal we can achieve is the ability to stand on our own and be comfortable with who we are. We can see our partner as being a temporary mirror for us in our efforts to become better. We see qualities and abilities in them, we wish to become part of ourselves. That’s the real purpose of relationship, you see. When we fail to recognize the meaning of this mutual interplay, we will have a tendency to try to make the other person be like us. This is not the goal of relating. When we have this outlook about relationships, we will engage with an unnecessary battle that does not exist. Mutual confront, hurt and trespass is the normal outcome. When we appreciate the love, the essential goodness, and the well-developed qualities of our partner, we place ourselves in a better position to learn about what we hope to obtain for ourselves. This releases the pressure and false responsibility we place on them and ourselves. Be yourself, let go, and let things happen. Cooperate and accept, and you will engage with true living.
Idols
We all have a tendency to idolize at least one other person in our life. Admiration is not a bad thing, in and of itself, for looking up to someone reminds us of our desire to become that better person. This admiration must remain temporary, however, as we need to find a way to improve ourselves and gather what we want to have in our own life. What may be helpful to understand is that the whole practice of admiration implies the idea that someone else can be the better person, but we don’t have the same ability. This is false. If we continue to believe this, we will continue to give our power away to the outside. Again, we want to observe others, and when we’re ready, bring what we observe and learn back to the inside. Within reason, we can have similar experiences of our own. We need to keep in mind as well that our unfortunate habit of idolizing others will only reinforce our habit of being unrealistic. This is very much a problem for our young people. “I want to be rich and famous”. “I want to be a professional football player”. “I want to be a famous actress”. If we go back to parenting for a moment, perhaps we need to point out to our children what the lives of these people are really like. Their lives are not cool and exciting. Their lives are certainly not easy. What they really experience is a total lack of privacy and an incredible pressure and responsibility we as society place upon them. This reality is undesirable and unrealistic for the average person. Many of us would like to have a lot of money and power, but it is a rare person indeed who would be prepared for the responsibility, or lack thereof, that comes along with it. We can just be ourselves. We are enough. We can appreciate who we are and what we already have. Living vicariously through others cannot work in the end. We all have a lot of improvements to make in our own lives. There’s no need to be overwhelmed. We’ll get to everything when the time is right. We will be more successful if we pick one thing, commit to it, and do the best we can.
When we stop admiring, idolizing and living vicariously, we can just be. Now we place ourselves in a position to live our own lives to the best of our ability. Let’s remember to be sincere along the way. We can find peace and feel ok when we choose them. Let’s also keep in mind that we are responsible for ourselves, first and foremost. We can then allow others the same opportunity!
All my love and support, be well