Learning how to say we’re sorry is an important part of our spiritual development. Apologizing gives us an opportunity to clarify what is happening inside us and show others that we care. This is one of the most difficult experiences we can have, because it makes us human. We realize ourselves as imperfect beings, you see, we are fallible. Our self-awareness and understanding always involve a necessary level of honesty, for we can recognize that life is indeed stressful, and we are therefore going to make some mistakes in our dealings with others. We can stay out of self-judgement in this regard by understanding this reality to be true for everyone. Our goal is to get into the habit of “checking ourselves”, as this will be our guide to improving our self-awareness, our attitude, and our subsequent behavior toward others. Again, let’s consider a couple of reminders as we move forward.
Vulnerability
What makes us apprehensive in our approach to apology, is our fear of vulnerability. When we say we’re sorry, we leave ourselves open to the possibility of being hurt ourselves. What we fear even more is the possibility that the other person will not forgive us. What we want more than anything else is to be loved, you see. We’re going to have to allow these possible outcomes, however, if we hope to understand what our heart is all about. We must take risk in life if we want to understand what we are capable of and who we really are. This is our goal in all endeavor. In other words, we cannot know if we do not enter. Humility provides us with that moment of the heart where all defenses are down. This allows for a more genuine experience of being in the present moment. Go ahead and make the apology. Swallow your pride, for this is true power. Nobody is going to die in the process!
Sincerity
The rule of thumb to apology, is that if you don’t feel sorry, or if you do not believe you’re in the wrong, then don’t bother. If we’re not honest and genuine, our effort to apologize and make things better will have no positive effect. We’ll be unsuccessful. If we are unable to be sincere in our approach with others, we are simply wasting our time and the other person’s time. It may be better to wait until we have a better sense of purpose in our action. We’re simply giving ourselves time to let our ego get out of the way. This is critical. So yes, there is no rush. It’s ok to let a better time present itself. Just don’t wait too long!
“An Eye for an Eye”
The idea that we must pay another person back for hurting us will only lead to us being hurt again. When someone hurts us, we feel the need to hurt them back, so they can know how we feel. This is understandable, but all we’re really accomplishing is making the other person be responsible for our hurt. The problem with this approach, then, is that it will only re-engage us with the original hurt we experienced in the first place. In no way have we let go, dealt with, or own that initial experience. Again, it will only open up the door for the other person to hurt us again. So, the vicious cycle of mutual trespass continues. There is no resolution in this game we play. At some point, one of us is going to have to say no. I will not continue. Someone has to let go and move on. If the other person is unwilling to forgive, that’s ok. They’ll let go when they’re ready within their own process. If we decide to make ourselves the one to get off the roller coaster, it will help the other person do the same. Let’s make that choice today.
Freedom from the Past
The act of apology is a way for us to not allow our past to become an unnecessary part of our present experience. To keep things clarified in our relationships allows us to know what our standing is. If we have harmed another, we must take care of it as soon as possible. The feeling of guilt can be a useful tool if we see it as a reminder that we need to keep things taken care of. If we don’t, it will continue to build up to a point that we’ll be unable to move forward in other parts of our life. If we keep things clarified in the present, our past can no longer be carried forward into the future.
Is Apology Really Necessary?
The answer to this question is entirely conditional. From that all important higher perspective, there really is no need to apologize, generally speaking. Unfortunately, we do not have enough love and respect for each other just yet to make this our reality. Having said that, we must understand that we’re still a little self-centered and try to make the apology be about us rather than making amends with the other person. In most cases, the act of the apology itself is merely an effort to alleviate our own guilt. That’s not really a great motivation to take action, for we’re still coming from a place of selfishness, you see. If we understand that none of us is perfect, and that we’ll occasionally hurt others unintentionally, we are more likely to not take things so personally ourselves when it happens to us. We’ll give ourselves the opportunity to let things go in the moment. Unfortunately, many of us still walk around with a big chip on our shoulders, just waiting for that opportunity to be victimized. We once again forget that we create our own reality and experience. Hurt feelings will subside if we let them. Essentially, if we would all stop being hurt all the time, there would be no need for us to constantly have to say we’re sorry! Let’s give each other a break. We need to view the act of apology as a way to check back in with the other person. Are you ok? I’m sorry, I’m having a bad day, it was not my intent to hurt you. That’s all. The last thing we need to consider, and this is an important one, is that we do not want to feel obligated to apologize. We do not owe things to others, nor do they owe us. We always want our actions and words to come from a place of conscious choice. Then we’re expressing our integrity, honesty, and genuineness. Our apologies will have meaning and purpose. Saying we’re sorry reminds us of our intent, which is to do the best we can. The other people in our life need to know this. Hey, I care. The reality of love is a simple one.
All my love and support, be well