We all have a deep longing to have someone in our life to help us feel safe and complete. It’s a desire we all share as human beings. This seems like a reasonable request, so why do we find it so difficult to create one for ourselves? The contributing factors are many and vary somewhat from individual to individual, but the most important ones are the same for all of us. Recognizing that we feel lonely inside is a great place to begin, and may provide for us a sense of purpose as to the seeking of this “other”. Ultimately, if we were honest with ourselves, we would realize that the completeness and safety we seek cannot be found outside ourselves. Our goal then is to develop a deeper connection with our own self. This is the “higher path” if you will for all of us, and it is indeed a long journey. An honest assessment of ourselves reveals that the majority of us have not yet achieved this inner wholeness and will continue to seek it from the outside through the many relationships we find ourselves in. Does this seeking from the outside negate our ultimate goal of inner wholeness? Not at all. Let’s take a closer look.
What we are actually seeking in our relationships is a greater understanding of ourselves. We are in fact attempting to become a more “well-rounded” individual. Nobody is perfect, as they say, but a recognition that we all have certain qualities and experiences that are beneficial to everyone else gives us a real sense of purpose to a relationship. In other words, learning what we have to give another is a big part of becoming whole. To realize that we are not complete is an important beginning. Our problem is that we do not properly identify what it is we’re lacking. An honest self-assessment will provide us with an understanding of our real underlying motivation to seek an intimate relationship. Without this self-awareness, we have a tendency to falsely assume that our motivations are something they’re not. Sex and money, for example, are only surface motivations and will eventually be understood as temporary distractions to the goal of becoming more complete as a human being. The intense desire for sensual romanticism wears off over time, you see. We are largely unsuccessful in our relationships because we attach undue significance to these surface motivations. This creates the unfortunate outcome of leaving a relationship before we understand the intended or underlying purpose. If we are honest about our motivations, we will get to this purpose much more quickly. A relationship can be about whatever we want it to be about. There is no right or wrong here. It is important, however, for us to be honest about the actual purpose. No matter what our relationships are about, it will become important for us in time to have them be substantive and meaningful. The end game is to discover what it is that we can provide, and what our partner can provide, to make the relationship whole and thereby make ourselves whole. Relationships can then be viewed as a practical matter, and we can hopefully avoid some of the irrelevant expectations we have before we begin. We will be far more successful in our relationships if we allow ourselves to be realistic in our approach.
Stop Wanting Things from Others
If we enter a relationship because we need something from the other person, we’re going to be very disappointed and face some unnecessary difficulties. This draws our attention back to our own self-awareness. If we cannot provide something for ourselves, perhaps we need to spend more time alone until we can. This is of course a realization we’ll come to over time. Until we get there, it becomes important for us to have a proper perspective about the actual dynamics of the relationship in order to be more productive and successful.
Giving and Getting
An appropriate dynamic within a relationship is to shift our focus from what it is we’re going to “get” from the other person to what it is we’re going to “give” to the other person. This is a much healthier approach. It’s important to keep in mind that we must not use what we’re giving as a weapon against the other. In other words, we give because we can. We are not owed anything because of it. This is spiritual maturity. Both parties have something to provide and will contribute to our search toward wholeness and self-understanding. Our attitude is one of learning from the other what we believe we are lacking in ourselves.
Exposure
The biggest contributor to the failure of relationships is the fear of intimacy. When we enter a relationship with another human being, we most definitely become vulnerable. There is unfortunately no way to avoid this. What we fear is the unknown parts of ourselves being exposed to others. At the very least, we’ll be reminded of the parts of ourselves we do not like. This is what another person can offer us, an opportunity to know ourselves. It’s important for us to realize that the other person can see us, and that’s OK! Relationships are really a process of healing ourselves. We must understand, however, that our significant other only temporarily provides for us what we believe we’re lacking. If we believe the other person is a permanent fix for us, we will create the idea that we need the person and cannot live without them. This is not a reality in any way. We are already complete from a spiritual perspective, but we may need the other person to remind us of this reality. These “higher realizations” are painful, for sure, but will provide for us a true opening of the heart and a spiritual love that is much more long-lasting. Self-love is true love after all, and once established, creates an understanding of the purpose of the whole.
Survival
From a very practical point of view, it is clear that many of us find it difficult to survive financially without the help of others. Most households require more than one income to make things work. An acceptance of this reality brings us yet another purpose to relationship. Whether there is intimacy involved is up to the individual. Money is definitely a complicated issue within relationships and tends to make things a little messy when intimacy is involved. But physical survival is a very practical matter and may present an opportunity to consider the importance of working together as a team.
The Ultimate Goal
For us to become whole, we must gain the experience we need by including other people in our lives. “No man, or woman, is an island” as they say. It is not realistic for us to assume that we can do everything all by ourselves. We will need other people for some time yet. Getting to know ourselves through others is often a painful, but necessary process. We all fear what others will see, but if we don’t allow it, we will never see. Relationships are probably the most important part of our personal growth and spiritual development. Our willingness to participate, even though we’re afraid, will assure us the ultimate realization of wholeness.
Thanks for being here today. Take a risk within your relationships, and you will discover yourself!
All my love and support, stay safe and be well